One grandma who worked with Maine Kids-Kin, kindly shared some aspects of her experience with us.  DHHS involvement in this case was limited to support from protective workers who advised the grandmother and assured her of their concern.  Even so, the experience is not that different from many children who are clients of DHHS.  This grandma taught me a great deal about the strain of kinship care and the network of services helpful for a successful kinship placement.  At the end of the story, I have listed the services that this Grandma found to assist her grandson.
                                                                        – Barbara Kates, Families And Children Together

A Grandma’s Story

Our grandson is going to be six years old.  He moved in with us when he was three years old.  He was conceived during a one-night stand.  When he was about a year and a half old we found out, through testing, that the son we believed to be his father was not, but that our other son was his father.  He came to us with a combination of problems including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Separation Anxiety.  His mother also drank during some of her pregnancy.  She left him with whoever would take care of him, for days and sometimes weeks at a time.  He was left with her parents, who drank and fought a lot.  Being raised in this environment had affected her ability to care for him properly, and to keep him safe.  His father, our son, didn’t bond with him any more than she did.  I have continued to encourage them to be in his life on a regular basis to avoid him having issues with his parents when he gets older.  So far this has not been successful, and I am not sure it ever will be. 

Feeling unsafe and insecure are still two major issues for him.  He would throw things at us, hit, spit, scream.  He was very abusive to animals.  He would tell us that he was going to call the cops and have us hauled away, or call the ambulance so they could cut us up.  Then he would get his play phone and start talking to them.  He would threaten to shoot us with a gun or cut us with a knife or saw.  Then he would go try to find one.  He would have nightmares, and fight not to go to sleep.  I told him once that I would keep him safe after he went to sleep.  He said “You can’t in my dreams.”  He has trouble, at times, going to another room by himself, and separating from us in general.  He used to scream and cry that Grammie is not coming back.   I am trying to get him involved at a day camp so he can interact with other kids. Recently at day camp he wrapped his arms around my legs and started crying to go home.  Sometimes I can leave him there and other times he will not tolerate it. 

A short time after he moved in with us we were trying to deal with the fact that we now have not only the responsibility of a three year old, but also that he has some major problems.  I was 45 and my husband was 48.  We were both working out of the home.  We had raised 4 sons, and were starting to have time and a little money for ourselves.  Soon I realized that I didn’t have the energy to work and take care of my grandson.  I gave up my job to concentrate on caring for him and helping him overcome his problems.  He has been in therapy for over two and a half years and things have improved enormously, but the problems are still there.  While his mother received a court appointed attorney we paid at least $13,000.00 in legal fees, and the money came pretty hard.   About a year after he moved in with us the court terminated the parents rights.  His mother appealed this decision.  The appeals panel could not make a decision because the probate court did not do a transcript of the hearing.  We had to go back to court again and start all over continuing to pay legal fees.  Finally, in January 2002 we were allowed to adopt him. 

I personally have gone through a lot of frustration, stress, discouragement, anger, and resentment, but no matter how hard it was we could not give up on trying to provide a safe and stable home for him.  In a situation like this there are always people mad at you, and sometimes it can be your own family members.  We have always had to maintain the attitude that this is an innocent child that cannot protect or take care of himself, and it was plain to see that his parents could or would not.  At our age we are raising another child, which shows that not only do parents sacrifice a lot for their children, but so do grandparents.  We have also found that by raising our grandson, we don’t have as much time to spend with our other five grandchildren.  Raising our grandson has changed our life with our other grandchildren, as well.  The three major factors in the courts decision were our lawyer, our grandson’s guardian-ad-litem, and his therapist.  All of them focused on this little boy’s past, his problems and what caused them, and his future.  They brought out the facts in court.  Without them the outcome for our grandson would have been tragic.  I have no doubt that had he not been given the opportunity to overcome his problems he would have been another very angry violent teenager with a very negative outlook on life. 

We have a recent update from the Grandma who shared this story.  She tells us that her grandson is doing better.  Over a two-year period, the grandchild in this story received the following services:

Head Start including an extended summer program
Public School including additional help from teachers and counselors
Private Counseling sessions
Neuropsychological evaluations
TANF
Mainecare
Families And Children Together (FACT) Visit Supervision
FACT's Maine Kids-Kin Case Management
DHHS Child Protective Staff support
Therapeutic Riding Lessons
Respite Funds for special needs children
Guardian-ad-litem appointed by the Probate Court

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