THE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF RAISING GRANDCHILDREN, NIECES, NEPHEWS, OR OTHER RELATIVES

Raising children can be a wonderful, satisfying, and enjoyable experience.  Children can help us see the world a little differently and can bring a smile to our hearts.  However, raising children is not an easy experience under any circumstances.  Usually when a child comes to live with a relative, it is because there has been some hardship within the family.  Everyone involved will probably feel the stress of changes and on-going demands.

THE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Some things you should know:

• You are not alone.  In Maine, over 11,000 children live in households headed by their grandparents, aunts, uncles, or relatives other than their parents.
• There have always been relatives helping raise children.
• There are others in your community who share many of your experiences and feelings.

Grandparents, aunts, and uncles sometimes express the following:

• I’m relieved that the child is safe and in a healthy place.  
• I wonder where I might have gone wrong with my daughter.     
• I am so glad to be with this child.  He’s the light of my life!
• I’ve never had to ask for help before and now I have to ask for help.  
  
• I’m proud that we have pulled together for this child.
• I am so angry at my brother for not loving his daughter enough.  Now I have to step in and raise her.
• It’s all worthwhile when this child says, “I love you.”
• My old friends aren’t interested in taking a baby along!
• I miss getting out to play golf or read a book or take a bath.
• I know I am making things better.    
  
• I am worried that the mother might just come and take the children.
• I know I’m doing what needs to be done and that’s good.
• I am so tired.

Some things you can do:

• Call or e-mail Families And Children Together (F.A.C.T.) to get information or find out about meeting other grandparents, aunts, and uncles in your area.
• Gather your support people.  This may be an organized group or a best friend.  Talking does help.
• Gather the family.  You may be taking on the most responsibility, but others may be willing to take the child to a movie or to their home for the weekend.
• If you have a spouse, be sure you are in agreement and that both of you take care of the child.  Avoid letting the child make one of you the “good guy” and one the “bad guy.”
• There will be times your child will suddenly act worse and it is not because you did something wrong.  Stay calm, be understanding, and stick to the rules.  Your child needs you to be strong and stable.
• Know your limits.  You cannot make everything right for this child.  You can be there to love the child.
• Break the stress. 

You know what works for you, but you may need to be creative to find a way to do it.  Here are some ideas:

• Try taking a 20 minute walk a few times a week (without the child).
• Find an activity for the child out of the house.  While the child is gone, do something just for you (not an errand).
• Take the child somewhere that is fun for the child and restful for you, like the library or a place outdoors.
• Make a house quiet time when everyone does activities that do not bother anyone else (the teens can have their music, but with headphones)

THE SPECIAL NEEDS OF CHILDREN FROM DISRUPTED FAMILIES

Sometimes children come to live with relatives and have only the usual challenges of growing up.  More often the children come with emotional wounds and struggles related to their parents’ problems.  Children who have lost family are often angry and afraid.  Children who did not receive proper care often do not understand other people’s expectations.  Children whose mothers took drugs or alcohol during pregnancy often have limitations.  Children who have led very unstable lives are often slow to trust that people will care for them.  Children often need to test out the “new parents.”  The child may wonder, “Will they love me no matter what I do?  Do they still love my mother and father?”

To overcome challenges, children need loving and consistent care.  Most children need more help than any one person can give.  Some children need professional help. 

It is important to help the child understand that the family disruption is not the child’s fault.  The child’s parents are not able to parent because of the parents’ adult problems.  Most children who are separated from their parents blame themselves for the separation.  They often worry about their parents. You can help by:

• Talking with the child to help him/her understand the parents’ problems
• Setting limits for the parents to ensure the child’s safety and reduce family stress
• Supporting positive contact with the parents
• Making sure the child hears you speak kindly of the parents

F.A.C.T. provides information, resources, and educational materials to help children feel more stable.  We provide groups so relative caregivers can share their experiences and solutions to challenging situations.  With our sister agency, Adoptive and Foster Families of Maine (AFFM), we have training programs for caregivers and an extensive lending library.  For more information, call F.A.C.T. to speak to a Family Service Advocate from the Maine Kids-Kin program. 

Raising children can be a wonderful, satisfying and enjoyable experience.  Children can help us see the world a little differently and can bring an easy smile to our hearts.  However, raising children is not an easy experience under any circumstances.  Usually when a child comes to live with a relative, it is because there has been some hardship within the family.  Everyone involved will probably feel the stress of changes and on-going demands.