Kinship Connections

Maine Kids-Kin is a program of Families And Children Together for Maine's Grandfamilies.

SHARED STORIES

This is a place to share stories with others who visit this website. Sharing stories helps connect us. Sharing your story may help someone else. When we share stories we find out again that other people have similar joys and challenges.

To share your story e-mail us at info@kinshipconnections.org. We can not post all stories. We will edit your story and check it with you before we post it.

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CHANGES

It was the end of August 1999 when my grandchildren, Dave 9 and Haley 8, came to live with me full time. (The names have been changed to protect their privacy.) Their mother had moved in and out and in and out again of their home and lives. Their father, my son, had cancer. Dave had taken on responsibilities beyond his years. Later, I took a leave of absence from work so that I could care for my son at home until he died. Haley stayed the baby of the family and lovingly clung to the adults in her life. She was molested by one of her mother's boyfriends, and then her mother was facing time for supplying drugs to minors.

"Thirty and three" is how I described the two of them when they first came. We went through grief counseling together. Haley continues counseling to this day. They both needed me for safety and structure and to take responsibility for them. I taught them that everyone carries groceries to our second floor apartment. Haley learned she was not such a weakiling after all and Dave's load grew along with his arms. Chores were rotated so both learned the skills. Haley got the dishes clean because she loved playing in the water.

Dave got a wonderful Big Brother who shared his love of sports. Haley had to wait five years to get a Big Sister because of her ADHD label. Dave quickly became an honor's student once he began attending school regularly. Haley struggled to focus on her studies. Their Mom spent Christmas with us before she went to jail.

I worked full time at a day program for elder adults with mental retardation. This work was sometimes demanding, physically and mentally. I had my own health problems including high blood pressure, sleep problems and fibromyalgia.

We found a ten-room house in the town where I grew up. It was back to our roots and my youngest son is now our neighbor. Dave reconnected with a friend from when he lived with his parents. I got to have a weekl y card game with old friends. Haley got to spend overnights with her cousins.

We now do our chores by rotating room responsibilities. It takes Haley longer to focus in and get the work done. I do the "super" cleaning - move the fridge in and out to clean behind, clean from floor to ceiling, and tend to a large window filled with plants (my relaxation, exercise and reward).

For years, my life was getting to work, taking care of the kids and the house, and getting the children to appointments. What vacation time I got from work was taken up with the kids when they were sick. Then I began having spells with debilitating symptoms. I would be bedridden and each time it took longer to recuperate. It took me some time to find a doctor who worked with me to relieve the symptoms.

Now the chores changed again as the children learn how to help me out. They do the laundry, help with the shopping (especially the lifting), and they put the food away at home. Dave does all the yard work and shoveling. He still gets away with cleaning around things "because they are not his anyway".

Haley continues counseling and I get the first few minutes alone with counselor, he helps my self-esteem as I need to continue to be the "bad guy" with Haley in order to help her succeed in the world. Haley is now on Concerta and though I need to remind her to take her medicine she is doing better, even remembering to bring her homework assignments completed and to school. I hired a tutor for her. The tanturms are less frequent. She lets me know daily how much she loves me. She taught me to stop telling her to brush her hair or pick up her clothes or take a shower. I let her make mistakes and learn to manage the consequences. We are making great strides. She has bloomed and resembles her mother. I pray daily that the Lord give me strength to make the difference in Haley's life.

Dave is popular and athletic and doing very well at school. He is never bored and miracles seem to fall into his lap, like when a friend's parents suited him up and transported he and his date to the 8th grade dance. He can be as loud as he is big sometimes, but in general he is easy going. He has earned many "Best Sportsmanship" Awards. His father would be very proud of his replica.

I love their mother, and I don't stop loving her because she has made some bad choices. She had a hard childhood that taught her to detach and lie to survive. In some ways this survival strategy worked well for her. She knew I understood her feelings when my son, in his sickness and pain, would belittle her.

Our lives changed again last year when my health problems caused me to leave my job that included health insurance. A continuous battle with Social Security regarding my eligibility for benefits has left us with few resources. Family has helped out. Maine Care covers much of my medical needs, but not adjustments to the house as my mobility is more limited. Each day is challenging with managing physical pain and making ends meet. I am unable to work and I want what I rightfully deserve for giving my all to others until my strength gave out.

People say what comes around goes around. I was there when my grandchildren needed my full attention to help them through the death of their father, their mother's inability to care for them, their own special needs, and just day-to-day care. I continue to do that but now they are also there for me. What we need now is some financial security so I can still be the best Grandmother they could ever have.....You know, the tough one.

Marian