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CHANGES
It was the end of August 1999 when my grandchildren, Dave
9 and Haley 8, came to live with me full time. (The names have been
changed to protect their privacy.) Their mother had moved in and out
and in and out again of their home and lives. Their father, my son,
had cancer. Dave had taken on responsibilities beyond his years. Later,
I took a leave of absence from work so that I could care for my son
at home until he died. Haley stayed the baby of the family and lovingly
clung to the adults in her life. She was molested by one of her mother's
boyfriends, and then her mother was facing time for supplying drugs
to minors.
"Thirty and three" is how I described the two
of them when they first came. We went through grief counseling together.
Haley continues counseling to this day. They both needed me for safety
and structure and to take responsibility for them. I taught them that
everyone carries groceries to our second floor apartment. Haley learned
she was not such a weakiling after all and Dave's load grew along with
his arms. Chores were rotated so both learned the skills. Haley got
the dishes clean because she loved playing in the water.
Dave got a wonderful Big Brother who shared his love of
sports. Haley had to wait five years to get a Big Sister because of
her ADHD label. Dave quickly became an honor's student once he began
attending school regularly. Haley struggled to focus on her studies.
Their Mom spent Christmas with us before she went to jail.
I worked full time at a day program for elder adults with
mental retardation. This work was sometimes demanding, physically and
mentally. I had my own health problems including high blood pressure,
sleep problems and fibromyalgia.
We found a ten-room house in the town where I grew up.
It was back to our roots and my youngest son is now our neighbor. Dave
reconnected with a friend from when he lived with his parents. I got
to have a weekl y card game with old friends. Haley got to spend overnights
with her cousins.
We now do our chores by rotating room responsibilities.
It takes Haley longer to focus in and get the work done. I do the "super"
cleaning - move the fridge in and out to clean behind, clean from floor
to ceiling, and tend to a large window filled with plants (my relaxation,
exercise and reward).
For years, my life was getting to work, taking care of
the kids and the house, and getting the children to appointments. What
vacation time I got from work was taken up with the kids when they were
sick. Then I began having spells with debilitating symptoms. I would
be bedridden and each time it took longer to recuperate. It took me
some time to find a doctor who worked with me to relieve the symptoms.
Now the chores changed again as the children learn how
to help me out. They do the laundry, help with the shopping (especially
the lifting), and they put the food away at home. Dave does all the
yard work and shoveling. He still gets away with cleaning around things
"because they are not his anyway".
Haley continues counseling and I get the first few minutes
alone with counselor, he helps my self-esteem as I need to continue
to be the "bad guy" with Haley in order to help her succeed
in the world. Haley is now on Concerta and though I need to remind her
to take her medicine she is doing better, even remembering to bring
her homework assignments completed and to school. I hired a tutor for
her. The tanturms are less frequent. She lets me know daily how much
she loves me. She taught me to stop telling her to brush her hair or
pick up her clothes or take a shower. I let her make mistakes and learn
to manage the consequences. We are making great strides. She has bloomed
and resembles her mother. I pray daily that the Lord give me strength
to make the difference in Haley's life.
Dave is popular and athletic and doing very well at school.
He is never bored and miracles seem to fall into his lap, like when
a friend's parents suited him up and transported he and his date to
the 8th grade dance. He can be as loud as he is big sometimes, but in
general he is easy going. He has earned many "Best Sportsmanship"
Awards. His father would be very proud of his replica.
I love their mother, and I don't stop loving her because
she has made some bad choices. She had a hard childhood that taught
her to detach and lie to survive. In some ways this survival strategy
worked well for her. She knew I understood her feelings when my son,
in his sickness and pain, would belittle her.
Our lives changed again last year when my health problems
caused me to leave my job that included health insurance. A continuous
battle with Social Security regarding my eligibility for benefits has
left us with few resources. Family has helped out. Maine Care covers
much of my medical needs, but not adjustments to the house as my mobility
is more limited. Each day is challenging with managing physical pain
and making ends meet. I am unable to work and I want what I rightfully
deserve for giving my all to others until my strength gave out.
People say what comes around goes around. I was there
when my grandchildren needed my full attention to help them through
the death of their father, their mother's inability to care for them,
their own special needs, and just day-to-day care. I continue to do
that but now they are also there for me. What we need now is some financial
security so I can still be the best Grandmother they could ever have.....You
know, the tough one.
Marian